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Just in time for the Holidays
Yes, it's true: I am a nothing more than a lesbian trapped inside the body of a man. And so it is that I need a woman to complete me. Okay, "complete" might be the wrong word, but it is a word nonetheless.
And now, a few words about yours truly:
I am a simple man, yet extremely complex. Boring, yet intriguing. Youve gotta be out there somewhere. Verbose, yet to the point. Aging, but still learning. Thankfully, my background is now history.
As a baby I was used as alligator Older ladies searching flirt horney grannies bait in a bayou near the coast of Louisiana, where I was eaten alive before the age of two. Fortunately, I exited quietly out the back door later that day and my uncle saved me. Or at least that's the story he told me.
At the age of four, I caught a fish with my bare hands while swimming in Lake Michigan. It's no wonder that I've found fishing to be so incredibly boring ever since.
At the age of five, I walked on water for the first time. Granted, it was merely a frozen puddle, but it was quite impressive nonetheless.
As a lad, I used to play chess with Fidel Castro in Havana, until he got mad at me one day because I wouldn't give him my autograph. Or was it my sandwich? I forget.
When I was in high school, I struck out four times with the bases loaded in a game we lost 3-2 to end our perfect season. Though I'm not is not an annual NASCAR event.
Last year, I got a temporary job at the Post Office. Did you know that once a year they burn millions of catalogs and letters written to Santa?
A few months back I found three Spanish doubloons while walking on the beach. Unfortunately, when I tried to spend them, nobody would take them--not Walmart, not 7-Eleven, and the assistant manager at Bank of America said I'd have to deposit them into a Spanish bank. It was all so very frustrating. After all, what good are coins if you can't spend them? So I used them in a vending machine, and got a Hershey Bar with Almonds--my favorite! So all's well that ends well.
Of course, things are looking really promising now as I've just been awarded exclusive rights to sell Yamaha snowmobiles for the entire state of Florida! I'm going to have so many customers, I'm gonna have to fight 'em off at the front door!
In the meantime, I'm broke and pretty much worthless. So I need a good woman. One with a good head for business--like me!
Though my hair is falling out, I now find new sprouts coming out the sides of my ears and, of course, my eyebrows. Maybe some day I can do a complete comb-over, just like Donald Trump.
I still have some of my teeth left, and I'm not nearly as overweight as most of America. It seems I am the only one in the country who can actually pass a Baskin-Robbins once in a while without stopping.
Of course, I'm looking for someone who is really great at sex--preferably even with me sometimes.
And I want someone who will understand when I can't remember the word I was going to say next.
What was I going to say next?
I honestly don't remember.
Oh well, surely there's a nice woman out there for a forgetful, 57-year-old, over-the-hill gentleman who has forgotten more than he ever learned in the first place.
Isn't there?
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